Confessions

  1. Designed the first pair of Crocs.
  2. Popularized the terms "hustle culture," "disrupt," and "meritocracy" among startup tech bros.
  3. Snuck wine into rock concert in hydration bag hidden underneath coat.
  4. Convinced Decca Records not to sign the Beatles.
  5. Built escape room with no solution. Sixteen corporate team-building groups still trapped inside to this day.
  6. Personally programmed every annoying autocorrect rule.
  7. Used automated scripts to rig online polls.
  8. Ghostwrote all of Nicolas Cage’s dialogue in National Treasure.
  9. Got on elevator full of people, pressed button for all 100 floors, then got off on second floor.
  10. Pretended to understand wine tasting notes.
  11. Convinced George Lucas Jar Jar Binks would be a beloved character.
  12. Added raisins to potato salad at 1998 family reunion.
  13. Introduced then later recalled New Coke.
  14. Didn't hold door for stranger when they were close enough I could have held the door.
  15. Planted the idea of starting a podcast into Joe Rogan's tiny little meathead.
  16. Put the Starbucks cup in that Game of Thrones scene.
  17. Parked super close to line in parking lot next to big truck so driver unable to get in through driver's side door.
  18. Convinced Blockbuster to pass on buying Netflix in the year 2000.
  19. Invented the phrase YOLO.
  20. Spread "sexy Shrek" memes across Internet.
  21. Originated phrase "let's circle back on that…" never once circled back.
  22. Created Rickrolling.
  23. Invented glitter.
  24. Invented NFTs.
  25. Faked my "Ice Bucket Challenge" video using a stunt double.
  26. Returned a rented movie fifteen and a half years late.
  27. Stole ball-point pen from bank during every single visit.
  28. Created the first "Live, Laugh, Love" wall art.
  29. Conducted depression experiments on Canadian geese at LaGuardia Airport in 2009.
  30. Created the first Minion meme.
  31. Convinced Seahawks to pass on goal line during Super Bowl 49 instead of give ball to Marshawn.
  32. Taught squirrels as a species to wait until your car is really close before darting into the street.
  33. Secrectly orchestrated meteoric rise of YouTube stars Jake & Logan Paul.
  34. Started the Tide Pod challenge.
  35. Trapped the ghost of Gene Wilder in a Furby, then sold Furby on eBay without disclosure.
  36. Ate Karl's labeled leftovers from work fridge every day for past nine years.
  37. Invented the first fidget spinner.
  38. Convinced corporations that they should redesign their logo every few years for no particular reason.
  39. Developed Microsoft's Clippy.
  40. Tricked everyone into thinking that the "Happy Birthday" song was copyrighted.
  41. Intentionally mixed up the envelopes during The Oscars in 2018.
  42. Started the trend of shouting "Freebird!" at concerts.
  43. Authored Celine Dion song "My Heart Will Go On."
  44. Invented concept of auto-playing video on Internet.
  45. Sent the first chain email in the '90s.
  46. Cross-bred Chihuahua & ferret just for laughs.
  47. Asked every woman I have met for past three years when their baby is due.
  48. Started the trend of putting pumpkin spice in literally every food in the fall.
  49. Repeatedly told book club I read the book when I really only watched the movie.
  50. Conducted long-term cloning experiments on Tricia Xander and orchestrated repeated clone killings by Max Adams in order to maintain plausible deniability.

Poppenkapper out.